when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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