I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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