Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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