STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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