just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
