my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
