come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
