I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
