he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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