the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
