she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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