Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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