i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she peed on how many people?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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