i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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