u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
