He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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