i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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