Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
