I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
