god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
