eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
