last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
