I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
