I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
