Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
