There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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