I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
