I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
