thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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