I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
