when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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