420 ftw
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
