My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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