Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
