The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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