Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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