I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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