Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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