dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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