That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
