DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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