dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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