I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
