When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
