Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
