You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I FOUND THE LEGS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
