My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
