And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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