My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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