cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
